I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
