Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
