he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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