why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize