you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
