Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
