come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
