All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
