I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
