NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
