I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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