Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
