Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
