why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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