whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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