we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
