shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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