I should be sponsored by Trojan
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
