sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
