dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
