I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
