If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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