just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
