shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
North Korea, Best Korea!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
