i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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