I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
