I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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