if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
