i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize