I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
