remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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