There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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