Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
