I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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