8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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