She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He better not be in your backpack
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
