Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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