I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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