Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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