dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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