I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
