be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
