That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
