My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He has the fingertips of a God
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