I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
