You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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