He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
