I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
