Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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