You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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