Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
