These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
