How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
