Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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