My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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