I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
