i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
