After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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