I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
