did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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