I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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